That's Queer!

In the last couple weeks America learned that the latest winner of American Idol (or as I like to call it, American Idle) is gay. Now I should point out that I don’t have cable or a dish so I don’t get to see American Idle, but I haven’t been living in a cave so of course I know what the show is and I am often familiar with the winners by the time the show has run its course. This time was different and I hadn’t heard much about the contestants or who won until the show was over and the winner and runner up started doing the talk show rounds.

I think Adam Lambert was on the Regis and Kelly show when I first saw him, and I don’t know what anyone else thinks, but was there ever any doubt this guy was gay?





I mean he was on with Regis and he had on the most beautiful shade of eyeliner I have ever seen. If he’d been any more of a flamer his highly gelled hair would have caught fire right then and there. Plus I think he also met one of the criteria that sets off my gaydar. What is that you ask? Well, I have a theory that any man who crosses his legs like a woman above the knee is gay. I am not talking about men crossing their legs with one ankle draped over the other knee and the foot kind of hanging loosely over the side. Remember the movie ‘Basic Instinct’ with Sharon Stone and the way she crossed her legs while she was being interviewed by the police? I am talking about when she actually had her legs crossed and wasn’t flashing her blonde beaver fur to the world obviously. * Think about the way she crossed her legs with one laying over the other nice and neat and this is what I am talking about. When I see a man crossing his legs like this I am immediately thinking one of three things: He is gay, he is highly educated beyond all usefulness, or he is married and totally emasculated by a dominating woman. These seem to be the only people who can pull this off. I know that I can’t because while they may not be the biggest, these blue-collar, pure heterosexual balls of mine just can’t take the pain of being squeezed like that. I can say this with honesty because I once tried it to see if I were gay or not. Now, if I chose to be gay would I then be able to magically cross my legs like this? That’s a bit of sarcasm directed to those people that still think that gay people choose to be gay. Who the fuck would choose to be gay?!? ‘Hmmm, I think I’ll start sucking cock and having my butt hole pounded inside out because this whole straight thing is just getting boring’. Besides that, who would want the persecution and humiliation that can accompany being gay depending on whether you are out of the closet and where you live.

I always ask people, who think that being gay is a lifestyle choice, when did they choose to be straight? They never seem to understand how I could come up with a question like that because to them it’s apples and oranges. I say, “Seriously, when did you choose to be straight? At one point in your life did you have to make the choice?” They always say the same thing and that is that they never had to choose, they just knew they were straight. Try and convince one of them that maybe, just maybe, it’s the same way for gay people and it totally blows their mind. For some of them, it’s because they can’t get beyond the Bible and what the Bible says about homosexuals and all that bullshit. It is impossible to think that even though God made everything he couldn’t possibly have made people that were gay by design because he is perfect and it is impossible for someone to be perfect and make mistakes. See, the Bible is what makes God infallible because the Bible is supposed to be the exact word of God and if the Bible says that God hates homosexuals then it isn’t possible that he could have made them. It’s just so much easier to believe that a crimson fellow with horns and hooves and a pointy tail could influence people to be gay than to say that maybe God made them that way from the outset. Wow, what an incredibly narrow minded way to think. The funny thing is that the truly religious nutjobs will read something like this and pray for me and my narrow minded way of thinking. It's like a religious cock measuring contest. 'My fake god is bigger than your fake god.'

Once in a while I will get someone to admit that while it may be possible for someone to be born gay, they don’t have to act on their feelings. In other words, they can choose to act straight or just not let anyone know they are gay. This is just as absurd to be me as thinking it is a choice. It’s easy to tell someone to just ignore their impulses when you are on the side of society that feels the same way as you, but when you’re on the other side things suddenly look a lot different.

Anyway, Adam Lambert is gay and who really gives a shit right? Why does that even make the news? Is it not enough that he won Idle? Does the fact that he’s gay make him a better singer? No, but when you live in an age where more people tune into Idle than do Presidential debates it’s not much of a surprise either.


*On a side note Sharon Stone claims that despite removing her underwear for the scene a at the director’s request because he claimed it was causing a glare for the camera, she didn’t realize that the hair above her meat curtains was exposed. I’m pretty sure that regardless of what the director told me, if I had a camera pointed at my non panty wearing twat I would want to see the footage at the end of the day to make sure people weren’t seeing anything I didn’t want them to. That means that either Ms. Stone didn’t really give a fuck because she was being a publicity whore or that she was too numb to realize her wizard sleeve might get flashed across the big screen for the whole world to see. She seems like a bitch on wheels to me so I am betting on the former and not the latter.