Tuesday, October 27, 2009

You coming or what?

Recently, SNL did a skit about PGAD or Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder, which is a problem that affects women. The disorder is pretty much exactly as it sounds and the women who suffer from it are constantly aroused physically and most have several hundred unintended orgasms daily. The skit is hilarious and the last few seconds made me laugh even seeing it the second time. Here is the link to the bit:


While I am sure that having PGAD would be a miserable son of a bitch on a permanent basis, wouldn't it be fun if you could have it every now and then? I think it would be a blast! I haven't seen any evidence to support that any men suffer from this disorder nor have I been able to find a way to induce it onto oneself. Damn!

I know it would make family get togethers and going out with couples a unique experience to say the least.

"Hey we're having dinner at my house this weekend, you coming?"

"As a matter of fact I am. Right now."

"But, it's not until this weekend Rita."

"Oh, I'll be coming then too. And coming and coming and coming."

"Oh, I get it. You're so silly Rita."

I want to meet someone that has this problem just so I can try and not piss my pants laughing while they are creaming their jeans in the worst places. I want to see someone like this trying to place an order at McDonald's while getting off. That would make my day if I was taking the order. (Speaking of McDonald's, it just occurred to me that I can't remember the last time a male was running the drive-thru taking orders. I wonder why that is?)

If I had PGAD I think the first place I would visit would be the local porn shop. I wonder how long it would take to get arrested just looking at movie covers and rubber dicks. Ha ha! I think a woman could get away with a lot more outrageous behavior in an environment like that than a man ever could.

I doubt that anyone with PGAD will ever see this post but if you do, I am not making fun of you and I am not truly envious of what I am sure is a debilitating disorder. I can only imagine how hard to would be to get through each and every day. However, if you were independently wealthy and didn't have to worry about cash flow, it would be the closest thing a person could come to being a dog and sitting around all day licking themselves. Sorry to any PGAD readers again if you got aroused thinking about licking yourself. I know it aroused me.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hey Dave, where'd you put that map again? Or, WAKE THE FUCK UP IT'S TIME TO LAND THE PLANE!

Yesterday I said I would post a bit about two pilots who missed their target and here it is.

I'm sure by now you've heard of the two pilots that overshot their target city by oh say 150 miles or so before the ground controllers were able to get in touch with them right? If not here is a link to the story if you wish to see what I am writing about.


The pilot claims that no one was asleep and that they weren't distracted by so called shop talk, but he isn't saying anything else. He won't say why they missed their target and that is probably because his union rep has told him to keep his mouth shut until their lawyers figure out the best way to go forward from here. The most likely thing is that these two pilots nodded off and I would like to say that I can't really blame them because I have a hard time driving to work and back without my eyelids getting heavy on me. However, as a pilot (or any operator of a mass transit machine) you have a responsibility to stay awake on the job.)

At first stories like this seem a little bit comical because no one got hurt, but then it takes on a much more serious note when people start to think about the safety of it all. Although it is a factor, I am not as worried about two pilots falling asleep and the plane crashing into the ground or ocean because jumbo jets typically have autopilots and will fly at altitude for a long time. Also, a good flight crew includes the attendants and they know how long it takes to fly from one airport to another just by virtue of experience, so they will know when something isn't quite right after a while.

What I am concerned about here is someone being a little overzealous at the local Air National Guard base and scrambling a couple F-16's up to take down an otherwise innocent airplane. Everything changed after 9/11/2001 and with this latest incident planes at a local Air National Guard base were put on standby. Fortunately everything was resolved and the fighter jets stayed on the ground. Make no mistake about it though, while no one wants to see a plane get shot down, no one wants to see another one crashed into a sky scraper again either.

If these two did fall asleep then they should just come forward with that and take their lumps like men. Maybe the airlines need to put some kind of loudspeaker in the planes that cannot be turned off and is only to be used by ground control and/or other aircraft if need be. This way when the normal radio communication is lost someone can still holler at the pilots and tell them to friggin' pay attention. What do you think?

Tomorrow, I have a story about musicians, and other artists, who think they are the stewards for what is right and wrong in the world.

Friday, October 23, 2009

This is a short post as I am getting ready for work but I had to put this link in here for my daily laugh. It's mean and nasty and God damned funny all rolled into one. I did something very similar to this when I was a young teenager and I have always felt bad for it ever since but I can still laugh when someone else does it.

Here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuIBj0R2ui4

After you watch this video check out some of the related videos where people have done some pretty nice remixes of the original.

More later, including a story of a pilot who fell asleep and overshot Hawaii. Turns out he has sleep apnea. Hey, no big deal right....What the fuck?!? The pilot has a condition where he can is exhausted all the time because he can't sleep when he is supposed to? Holy crap! Who's the co-pilot, Stevie Wonder?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Time to make the um, ah, hey what are we supposed to be making here again?

I saw something that instantly caught my eye while reading the news online this morning and just had to mention it. Police in the Lewiston-Auburn area arrested a man who allegedly held up a Dunkin Donuts for an undisclosed amount of cash.

While it may seem like an unusual target for a cash robbery, the first thing that popped into my head was, 'Well, he sure as hell wasn't in there trying to steal doughnuts!'

"What do you mean?", the curious reader asks.

Well, it's no big secret that Dunkin Donuts has pretty much become a great place to get really, really hot coffee and maybe a toasted bagel or two but they have fallen way short on the delivery of doughnuts. At least they have in this part of Maine anyway.

The fucked up thing is that it's not like they are running out of something they don't specialize in, but rather they keep running out of the one thing that they are supposed to be the best at. The word doughnut is in their friggin' name for God's sake, or at least implied. Maybe the misspelling is done on purpose so that when the masses finally revolt, DD can say they never intended for the 'Donuts' part of their name to mean actual doughnuts. That sounds like a conspiracy, but so does a place that was founded on doughnuts actually running out of product.

Imagine a couple different scenarios if you will: You walk into the local Burger King and ask for a Whopper and they tell you they are sorry but they are out of burgers. It's fucking BURGER King, how can you run out of burgers. How about if they told you the salad bar was open at the local Pizza Hut but no such luck on the Personal Pan Pizza. You'd be like, 'What the fuck?!?' I know I would be.

So, how in hell does something like this happen? I don't know for sure but I think it has more to do with the bottom line than even Dunkin Donuts would care to admit. I think that it started long ago when they stopped staying open 24 hours a day except in the bigger towns and cities in order to save on operating costs. It didn't take long for the convenience stores that do stay open all night, to step up to the plate and make sure the coffee was hot and cheap. Along with the decision to close early came the decision of not making doughnuts on site any longer and that hurt more than anything. The doughnuts are now shipped in once a day and when they're gone, they're gone, sorry.

So what do you do when it's midnight and you're craving a coffee and a donut? Do what I do and go to Tim Horton's. The coffee is better, cheaper, and there are always donuts in the racks. Oh, and make sure you tell all your friends that the reason you choose not to shop in a place called Dunkin Donuts is because they can't deliver on that one thing they are supposed to be able to.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hold on a sec' I'm on the phone.

Check out this Youtube video that I saw this morning and tell me if it pisses you off the way it does me. If it does than I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has a burning hatred for the irresponsible use of cell phones that is so fucking rampant in today's society.


Take two successful actors who are performing a play in what looks like a fairly small venue not because they need the cash but rather because they love what they do and throw in some fuck nut with a ringing cell phone and what do you get?

Here's a suggestion, if you're going to an event such as this (or even the movies or out to eat) how about turning your fucking cell phone off or better yet, leave the stupid thing at home for once. Jesus, people with cells are worse than the biggest meth or heroin addict you've ever heard of. What would some of these people do if they literally could not use their phones for a little while? You'd think it was the end of the world.

Things I have seen involving irresponsible, silly, or just plain ignorant cell phone use:

1.) I saw a girl yesterday pushing a bike down the sidewalk because it is hard to ride and text at the same time. Look if you're more concerned with texting than getting somewhere why not carry something less burdensome than a bike like maybe a paper weight or large glass ash tray? That way when you finally come to the realization of how numb you are for opting to walk and text rather than ride and actually get somewhere you can bash your puny fucking brains in. Idiots.

2.) All the time I see younger people (mostly girls) walking with their friends and yapping on a cell phone. One will be talking a mile a minute while the other one is staring at her own feet because (surprise, surprise) she doesn't have anyone to fucking talk to. How fucking rude can you be than to hang out with one friend while talking to another on the phone? Of course this sight is getting rarer as most people are now seen all hanging out together and all talking on the phone as well. Holy shit, how many people do you know? If I wanted to hangout with one friend and talk to another on the phone at the same time I would most likely be standing beside the very person I was talking to on the phone. I feel bad for my daughter because there will come a time when she is staring at her feet while all her friends that are 'hanging out' with her, all talk to someone else on the fucking phone. Idiots

3.) This summer I saw a girl talking on a cell phone while jogging. I don't mean she was trotting along here and there as she was basically walking either. No, this girl was obviously jogging for exercise. Now, there's a conversation I would love to be on the other end of. Actually I wouldn't mind being on the end of a call involving my wife and a lot of panting and groaning, but not if it is because she is jogging while trying to fucking talk to me. Idiots.

Does anyone else feel a migraine coming on yet?

4.) I saw a girl trying to talk on a cell at a concert. Was it Zamphir, master of the pan flute? No, it was KISS and one of the loudest shows I have ever been too. My ears actually hurt before I put in some ear plugs. (I know, I know. However far my youth may be behind me at least I can still hear all the wonderful new noises my body now makes throughout the day.) So here's this girl screaming into her cell phone, which she answered for some unknown reason, about how she can't hear anything that is being said because she is at a KISS concert. Uh gee, you fucking think so? Idiots.

5.) I had to wait in line behind some asshole with an ear phone at a Dunkin' Donuts to finish his call because that was more important than actually placing an order. That's not only rude, it's damned arrogant to think that no one else is as important as you are and to make everyone else wait for something that could be done elsewhere. I wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of the way so I could actually get my morning coffee and try to lose the feeling of wanting to kill another human being who didn't have the common courtesy to get off the fucking phone for 30 seconds. Idiots.

6.) I followed a woman from the parking lot into a Wal-Mart and she was on the phone. I made it a point to follow her at a distance to see how long she stayed on the phone and when she finished her shopping and got back into her car she was still on the original call. She went through the checkout line on the fucking phone. Wow, as your friendly Wal-Mart cashier it sure makes me feel extra special to know that you can't even get off the phone long enough to make even the smallest of gestures to make me feel like a human being and not an extension of the fucking cash register. The really shitty thing about this was that I had to go back into the store to get what I needed because I had just wasted a half hour following that dumb ass around. Does that make me a stalker? Idiots

The stories go on and on but you get the idea. The point is that people are ignorant assholes for the most part and they should learn some basic etiquette concerning cell phone use. I would like see cell phones licensed with very specific laws about where and when they could and couldn't be used. I would like to see laws passed that allow the use of active cell phone jammers in private businesses in the U.S. so that business owners could decide if they wanted cell phone use in their establishments.

Would people be so interested in yapping on the phone if they still had the corded models hanging off the wall in the kitchen? They treat cell phones like some miracle from the heavens. Get off the fucking cell already, it is just a phone for Christ's sake.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I love you Dad!

Let me take a moment to tell you why my dad is my hero. Well, one of the reasons why he is my hero to be more specific. Dad is one of those rare people who truly can do it all. His most recent accomplishment is building a wood splitter for he and I to use on the winter wood. I gave it a try today and it works as well as or better than any other splitter I have ever used.

Dad isn't the first person to build a homemade wood splitter and he certainly won't be the last but I am still as impressed as I can be because I don't think I could have done it. The thing is that building a wood splitter is probably one of the easier things he has done and what I love about Dad is that he won't be satisfied with his design until it is just the way he wants it. Another thing that I love about Dad is that no matter what idea I come up with to improve the design he already has it covered in one way or another. Some people might take that personally but I take it with a sense of awe and admiration because it shows me just how smart the old man is. I've long said that I don't believe there's a thing he can't do and if he plays it off that way it's just because he really doesn't want to do it. I'm onto you Pops.

Thinking about Dad and his abilities is bittersweet for me because I know that someday he won't be there for me and I honestly can't imagine what I am going to do without him here to help me. I was thinking about that today when I was sawing and it was almost too much to take. I had to remind myself that Dad is here and most likely will be for a good many years to come to pull myself out of it. The very possibility of the future reality was enough to choke me up and make me blue.

I try to learn something from Pop every time we get together whether it is tangible knowledge of how things work or just listening to stories from his past. I try to imagine being there and wish with all my being that I was. In fact, I find myself wishing that I could go back in time about 30 years and do it all again, and then do it again and again after that.

I feel much sorrow for those people who don't have that one person in their life any longer whom they wish more than anything could still be here. I feel that way about several people but I am already worrying about what I am going to do when Dad isn't here any more. What I do is push those thoughts to the back of my brain and wish him the best of health so that he may live longer than I do. I know that no parent wants to lose a child but this is one child that doesn't want to lose his Dad. Jesus, can I possibly say it any better than that?