Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Pretty Fly For A White Guy (or two white guys)

The Supreme Court got one right yesterday. They ruled on a case that made it to the top court in the land that dealt with reverse discrimination and involved Barry-O-Bama's pick for the very same court. That person is Sonia Sotomayer if anyone hasn't heard.

In 2003, the New Haven Fire Department in Connecticut denied promotions to a couple of white firefighters despite their test results which were good enough to warrant being promoted. Why did they do this? Because the other test takers had been minorities and they didn't do well enough to be promoted. What does that have to do with anyone else in a fair society you ask? Well the New Haven Fire Department didn't want to be accused of being racist to all the minorities that had tested piss poorly despite the fact that the test results should have been enough to stand on their own.

The two guys who tested well enough to be promoted took the case to court and it made it all the way to a federal appeals court where Sonia Sotomayer sat on the committee. She put in her vote that the decision of the New Haven Fire Department should stand. Remember this is the same woman that said a wise Latina woman would make better choices than a white male based on her experiences, whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean. When a few people claimed that was a racist statement they were chastised for being too harsh and maybe a little racist themselves. Remember Barry said that his grandmother was a typical white person who was afraid of blacks or some such shit and it becomes painfully clear that stereotypical statements are okay depending on who is making them.

Some experts now say that many tests for promotion produce lower than average results for minority test takers. It's not that the questions have anything to do whatsoever with race, it's just that these experts say that minorities don't do as well when taking certain kinds of tests. How fucking racist is that statement? These experts have taken the fact that some people just suck at taking tests and tried to turn it into something else. They claim that while they can't explain it, some tests just produce lower than average results when taken by minorities. They have done everything short of stating that minorities just aren't as smart as their white counterparts. I believe it was Jimmy 'The Greek' Snyder that once made comments like this about blacks in particular and no one thought that was alright. I wonder if if he had just worded differently what he said about black football players being better athletes than their white counterparts, if people would have been as upset. Remember the movie, 'White Men Can't Jump'? Of course you do, but do you ever remember anyone getting all up in arms over the message that was sending? That movie said the same thing that Jimmy 'The Greek' said but in a different way and it was not only acceptable, it was a pretty big draw to the box office as my memeory serves me. Try to imagine if someone had made a movie called 'Black Men Can't Ski' and imagine the fucking uproar that would have caused. Reverse racism is alive and well and very much accepted in this country because everyone is too fucking scared to call it like it is.

Meanwhile, the white guys who were denied promotion because of this whole fucking mess are the ones who really got screwed. One of the men has dyslexia and studied up to thirteen hours a day to pass the test and yet there are people who claim that these tests were weighted against minorities. No, these tests were weighted against people who either didn't study hard enough or just aren't smart enough to pass. Why is it okay for people to say that minorities may not be as smart as whites when it is said in defense of minorities? I think that is such total bullshit. I know that the color of your skin has nothing to do with your brain power but these experts are trying to use the color of one's skin as some kind of crutch.

I don't blame the New Haven Fire Department for making the decision they did. They did it because they were afraid of the shit storm that would have have followed if they hadn't just thrown out all the test results. This is what affirmative action has brought us people. We went from hiring people based on merit and skill to hiring them based on color or sex in order to make the workforce more balanced. Hiring people has nothing to do with race and I would hire nothing but minorities if they were the best choice for the job that I need done, but if they weren't then I am sorry.

It may not be fair but that's fucking life isn't it?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Michael who?

This week two American icons passed away. I am not talking about GM and the national economy but I wish more people would. Did you know that Barry said after the 'Great American Bailout Bill' was passed job losses would stop and unemployment would not go over 8%. Look and see what the average unemployment rate for the nation is now, I dare you. It's a good reason why you shouldn't make statements you have no chance of guaranteeing.

Anyway, the two icons I am talking about are, of course, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

Farrah died from the cancer she had been trying to fight since 2006 and Michael died from an apparent heart attack. She was 62 and he was 50.

The sad thing is all this is that the difference in coverage these two have received since their untimely deaths occurred. While there is no denying Michael Jackson's status as the 'King of Pop' and his level of popularity, we should also remember that in her day Farrah Fawcett was one of the hottest tickets around. She posed for a picture that was made into a poster in 1976. That poster is the best selling pin-up poster ever. There were over 12 million copies of that poster sold and there aren't too many men of multiple generations that can't remember it. I think it's safe to say that hundreds of thousands of young men rubbed one out many a time staring at that poster and thinking about dumping a load on poor Farrah's face.

Michael Jackson on the other hand most likely rubbed one out many a time thinking about dumping a load on the faces of hundreds of thousands of young men.

I am saddened that while the 'King of Pop' is being glorified in death, Farrah Fawcett's dying was pushed aside like yesterdays old news. I am saddened because Michael Jackson was a pedophile and like O.J., he walked without being punished for his crimes. I am saddened because the world was not disgusted with him like they should have been and they still regarded him as the likable young man he once seemed to be. I don't want to wish anyone to die but I am glad that Michael Jackson won't be chasing small boys again. 'King of Pop'! Ugh, more like King of Popping One in Your Mouth.' Fucking pederast!

Dennis Leary once said that someone should have put a bullet in Elvis' brain when he was at the top of his game because then people would remember Elvis in a good way. I think the same thing can be said of Michael Jackson. Someone should have put him down sometime between the 'Thriller' album and 'Bad'. In other words after the nose job but before the dent in the chin surgery. Michael could have gone out in a blaze of glory and been remembered in the most loving of ways if he had burned up when his hair caught fire during the Pepsi commercial in 1984.

So, Farrah Fawcett is dead and Michael Jackson gets all the media coverage. I wish more people would stand up and remind us all that despite his musical greatness, he was still a child molester and one weird mother fucker to boot.

That whole family is fucked up if you think about it.

Farrah, thank you for the memories, your smile, that awesome hair, and thumb-sized nipples, which will not soon be forgotten.

Michael, I'm glad your dead. 'Beat it'.

Wait a minute, that seems a little wet....ah fuck!

My thought for today is don’t try to turtle head or prairie dog it when you have diarrhea. For those of you that don’t know what turtle headin’ it or prairie doggin’ it means, try to imagine a turtle poking its head out of its shell part way and then pulling it back in. Picture in your mind a prairie dog standing up in his hole and then ducking back down. Now think of a time when you had to go to the bathroom with a doozy of a twosey. I don’t mean you just needed to use the facilities, I mean you had to go and you had to go right fucking then. You may very well have been prairie doggin’ it and that’s where these phrases came from. For some reason I also think of the game Whack-A-Mole when I think of prairie doggin’ it.

Anyway, do not try to turtle head it when you have diarrhea unless you want a serious fucking mess to clean up. I don’t know that I have ever tried to do that but I can tell you that I have had more than one fart before that turned out to have a little more substance to it than I would have preferred. As you know matter generally comes in one of three forms; a solid, a liquid, or a gas. As far as shit goes, there isn’t all that wrong with any of these forms until they start blending into one another and mixing it up.

Imagine my disappointment when I was sitting in my easy chair and I arched my back a little to let one rip in good shape and shit my pants instead. I’m talking about the kind of fart where you tighten your stomach muscles up in good shape to get ready for the command to fire and then you grit your teeth. It’s the kind of fart that you know is going to stink even though you also know you’ll sit in because everyone likes their own brand right? The only people that say they don’t like the smell of their own farts are the people that lie about masturbating. Otherwise you would never fart willingly and that would make everyone in the world a bloated pissed-off asshole. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with Kim Jong Il. He seems like a bloated prick, but maybe he’s just full of North Korean gas and needs a good fart.

I can tell you with a certain level of authority on the subject that when you shit yourself and you’re an able bodied person it doesn’t take long to get moving and try to find a bathroom. I know that when I shit in my pants in that fucking chair I was up like a flash and hoping that it hadn’t gone all the way through my clothes. It did of course but I didn’t tell anyone and I save that chair for company now so it’s all good.

The hardest part about shitting in one’s own pants (as opposed to someone else’s???) isn’t the fact that it happened but rather that it was supposed to be a damned fart. There was no warning whatsoever. No rolling of the stomach or cramping of the lower bowel, it just felt like a nice gas bubble. Until I tried to touch it off that is. I felt like I had been cheated and slapped in the face at the same time. If I had been trying to light that fart I might have come away with a flaming shit covered hand. I don’t know about you but I would not want to have to explain that one at the hospital. It may just be my way of thinking of the weird stuff too, but it would not surprise me to find a hospital somewhere in the world where this has happened more than once to the same damn fool.

That makes three times in my adult life thus far that I have soiled my drawers. The first time was in basic training and the drill instructor decided he knew my bathroom needs better than I did. I asked him if I could use the restroom and after he said no I held it as long as I could until gravity and loose bowels took over and I shat myself. I thought it was embarrassing asking to use the bathroom before this happened. After it happened I had to explain to this fucking six foot two genius of a man that I had now had an accident and could I please go to the restroom.

“Whatchoo, talkin’ ‘bout boy? You piss yo’ pants?” This guy was all about Ebonics before it was even a word. Now spell check tells me that not only is Ebonics a word, it is a word with a capital ‘E’. Imagine that. We’ve capitalized a word that we made up as a title to a fucked up way of destroying the English language. Nice.

“Um, no sir. I ah, well, I did the other”, I replied as quietly as I could without whispering. Keep in mind that I was eighteen and scared shitless (obviously) of this whole military experience and especially of this large black man who was staring at me with his unbelieving eyes. Try to keep in mind that as a person from a rural town in a rural state that this was one of the first black people I had ever met and less than an hour after introductions he was yelling at me and bouncing his big trooper hat off my forehead. Race relations at their finest.

“Ahh, that’s nasty. Get yo’ ass back to the barracks and clean up you nasty thing. Dayum!” Then he proceeded to let everyone else in the squad know what had happened and if they hadn’t all been so scared of him I am sure there would have been more than some sheepish grins at my expense.

Now, as a person of considerably more years than the young man in this part of the story, I wish I could go and find that drill instructor now and say thanks to him. Because of the actions of Technical Sergeant Harwell I made up my mind as a very young man that I would never shit myself again because someone was denying me bathroom privileges. Never again, will I volunteer to put myself in a situation where someone can tell me whether I can go to the bathroom or not. That one experience was the foundation for the hatred that I developed for the military over the next three years and nine months until I got out. It was the best thing that ever happened to me in a lot of ways because it showed me that I am not the kind of person that wants someone else telling me what to do.

The second and third times that I had an accident were both just that; accidents. The second time is the bit I just relayed above and the third time was shortly after that at work. I was standing up the third time but, once again, it was a fart gone wrong. That time it wasn’t quite as bad and it only cost me a pair of clean underwear. Other than having to finish the shift with no tighty-whitys on it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

I have since adopted another phrase and that is, ‘Never trust a fart.’ It doesn’t just apply to the old and infirm people, it works for everyone. Never trust a fart and don’t try turtle headin’ when you have the trots. Words to live by.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Fly

I have never claimed to be on top of the fashion world both in the sense of how I dress or how much a I could give a fuck, but I have a questions for all you out there. Take a look at these pictures, see what they have in common and then join me below.

When did we get back to the late seventies and early eighties Mr. Peabody? Holy shit what is it with the bug-eye sunglasses and celebrities? This one kind of took off for a summer or two in the mainstream consumer world but the celebrities are still wearing them.

Am I fucked in the head or do these people look like assholes? I know they do but I can't be alone in the knowledge can I?

I thought I might me tackling an out of date subject but the picture on the bottom is from this week and is Tori Spelling on Vacation in Hawaii with her family. I don't have a problem with Miss Spelling but man I can't get my head around those fucking sun glasses that she managed to get around her head. God, all I can think of are those giant joke sunglasses a lot of people had when they were kids. I seriously think that if some celebrity (the more worthless the person, the better) were to start wearing a those big honkers out in public and play it off as serious fashion, the paparazzi would suck it up. I can almost see Paris Hilton wearing something like that now and why shouldn't she? She certainly has the nose to hold any pair of sunglasses up and hey, the less I see of her ugly horse face the better.

These idiots are just like the emperor in 'The Emperor's New Clothes'. They have no one to tell them they look like shit because anyone close enough to be able to is scared of getting kicked off the money train. The rags and shows that cover celebrities won't tell them because that is what their whole base is and they would risk losing the 'valuable' coverage they are able to get now. I wish that the same number of people who pay attention to what number kid Madonna is now adopting from some third world shit hole so she can have it raised in her first world shit hole would pay attention to current events and politics in general. I don't care what side of the political aisle you fall on, you should be damned scared for the future of this country when people care more about shit like American Idle and Big Brother and all the other bullshit 'me'ality shows than what is going on in the world around them. Idiots. I wish it were possible for me to show the disdain I have for those people in mere written form. I'm talking about all those people that make completely uninformed choices in the voting booth simply because they are old enough to vote and they have a chance to make changes.

I'm back off the soap box now. I do think that bug eye sunglasses do serve a purpose in certain cases. When J.F.K. was murdered Jackie O. wore the big dark glasses and it gave her a measure of privacy despite the whole world focused in on her during what was the beginning of a lot of pain. Recently, when Chris Brown beat the living shit of of Rihanna, the big glasses came in pretty handy to hide his handiwork. I won't even get started on what a prick he is, but whatever. The woman who can't control the fists of her man and doesn't have the balls to get out of the relationship before he starts pounding her is no better than the man who does it. I have much sympathy toward the abused population but only as long as they don't keep taking it again and again. The syndrome of abuse is more powerful than a lot of drugs so I should take a softer stance on that I suppose. When you have seen someone who is being treated poorly and they stay there just the same it is quite something to convince them to get out.

Anyway, I can't wait to see what fashion trend Hollywood starts next and from what decade will it come? We've seen bell bottoms come back and now the big sunglasses are here, what's next?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

McFuck Off Baldacci

Maine’s Governor signed a bill the other day, part of which forces chain restaurants within the state to publish nutritional information on their menus. For now this law will only apply to those chain type restaurants that have at least twenty locations nationwide or otherwise. In other words, fast food places and the theme type restaurants that you see all over the country these days would have to comply while your favorite one-offs would be exempt.

The goal is to give people the nutritional information they are lacking so they can make healthier choices in these eateries and become healthier as the end result. Baldacci and his liberal way of thinking insist that once again, only Big Brother can truly take care of you and I the lowly John Q. Public. I am so fucking tired of these jerk-offs telling me how to live and what I should be eating and what I should be avoiding. Today it’s the nutritional information on the menus, tomorrow it will be the banning of foods deemed unhealthy by the government.

I don’t know about anyone else in this great state we live in but I know that when I go out to eat I am not worried about the calories in what I am ordering. The reason for this is twofold. The first is that since I am eating out as opposed to eating at home I am there because I want to be and not because I am trying to maintain some sort of diet. When I go out to eat whether it is at a McDonald’s or a Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse, I eat whatever the fuck I want. I eat what I want because I am there to do just that. An imbecile can figure out that if you care about what you take in you need to stay out of restaurants in the first place. The second is that I do not eat out enough for the intake of calories I receive from one of these places to be a major factor in my long term health. I know that some people eat out every day and that their risk of health problems may be higher because of it but I think that comes down to choices and personal responsibility. At some point we need to usher the children out from under the apron and let them make decisions on their own and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards of those decisions.

Putting the nutritional values on the menus may make some of the people not eat the things they would have eaten otherwise but those people are assholes and easily led around by the nose. They’re the same people who join cults like organized religion because they can’t think for themselves and need to be told how to fucking do everything. The same moron that ate at McDonald’s every day for twenty years and then tried to sue them because he claimed he didn’t know their food was making him fat, would fall into this category. I would go as far as saying that I don’t want to know what the fat content is in any of the fast food that I eat. What’s next, forcing the meat companies to reveal what’s really in hot dogs, Vienna sausages, SPAM, and bologna? It would be the end of humanity as we know it if those things were revealed. They say there’s no Santa Claus, well let me tell you, SPAM is our fucking Santa Claus if anything ever was. SPAM is something that can’t possibly be true and yet there it is for all to see and buy and dare each other to eat. SPAM is Santa Fucking Claus for the masses.

The other thing that pisses me off about this new bill is something that started quite a few years ago and makes bills like this ridiculous in the first place. Almost every fast food place and a lot of sit down restaurants offer healthy food alternatives to the normal fat filled shit on the menu. They started this marketing scheme back in the early nineties when the country was on one of its many health kicks because they wanted to appeal to those customers they were starting to lose to diets. So, all of these places now have healthy alternatives on their menus and people still eat the nasty shit because that’s what they really want. That’s why I think putting the nutritional value on the menu isn’t going to attract any more people than those I already mentioned that are too easily influenced as it is.

On a side note to this story I would like to express my disappointment to those fast food places that started the trend of offering healthy alternatives in an effort to keep a larger customer base. I understand why they did it. They didn’t want to lose money due to people trying to eat healthier by not offering something for them. It made good fiscal sense and it kept more of the same people coming through the door and maybe even added a few new customers. What I am disappointed about is that this was really nothing more than a sellout for the easy cash. McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Pizza Hut, and every other successful fast food greasy spoon out there sold out their core values for the sake of the easy green. People should not be going to one of these places because they know they can get a pre-packaged salad with a celebrity’s own dressing on it. No, you go to these places to eat because you want a big, nasty, greasy double cheeseburger or an all meat pizza and fuck all to the calories. You go there to get hot salt laden French fries, and chocolate shakes, not to visit the salad bar that everyone has sneezed all over a hundred times.

I don’t eat at the fast food joints that much anymore because I realize that food is not healthy and I need to eat such food in moderation, but when I do go there I get what I want. So, go ahead and put the nutritional values on the labels, Governor Pizza Face and let’s see what a massive difference it makes in our fat state. (Pretty rich that a man whose family made its money serving greasy Italian food to people would feel so strongly about this whole thing.) I don’t care if the label says a Double Quarter Pounder has 10,000 calories and 500 grams of trans fats, if I decide to go to McDonald’s I will order one if that’s what I feel like.

Remember people all this shit is just one more piece of control that we give up to the government. How long before someone in Augusta decides we’d all be better off if we just didn’t have that stuff to eat in the first place? When that day arrives I think I will move to the state house, throw on a diaper, and let the governor baby sit me good and proper like he’s wanted to do from day one.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Barry's Sweet Ass New Car Deal

This entry will have to be taken with a grain of salt because it is based as much in opinion as it is in fact and that may be more of some and less of the other, but it represents how I feel in a nutshell.

Have you heard the president wants everyone to have health care? Imagine the utopia we would be living in if only we all had free medical coverage. Wow. The problem is that nothing is free and universal health care wouldn’t be either. I don’t know what it is with the democrats and their way of thinking but I wish they would stop thinking that every man, woman, and child in this country needs assistance and babysitting. The solution to our problems in time of need is not more big government, despite what big government tries to tell us. All I can think of is a woman giving a blow job to a guy with a huge cock and even though she tells him he is too big for her to get it all in her mouth he keeps right on a pushing until it is down her throat and she is gagging on all that man meat. That’s what big government represents to me, a forced, painful, nauseating blow job.

Wow, that was kind of crude wasn’t it? Oh well, it’s still a good analogy.

I know that the current system of health care is flawed. Believe me I know. I am one of those people fortunate enough to have some kind of a plan implemented by my employer that pays for a majority stake in my health care coverage. Even with that I still pay about $200 a month for something I have only used about five times in the twelve years that I have worked for the company. Where did all the money go that I paid in and never took advantage of? Well, I would venture to say that a lot of it goes to the doctors and hospitals in the form of higher fees charged to the insurance companies for reimbursement than what an uninsured person gets charged. If you don’t believe this is true than you have never known someone who didn’t have insurance and/or a job and was able to talk the hospital down to a much more reasonable bill. That’s great for those that have no insurance but the doctors and nurses still need to get paid for their services and the hospitals still need to make a profit and pay for all their overhead so who makes up the difference? It comes back to people like me who have insurance and pay their premiums every month. For the $28,800 plus I have paid over the twelve years that I have worked here I’ve only used a fraction of that in hospital or doctor visits. That doesn’t count the portion of the premium that the company picks up as part of my benefits package. Where did all the rest of that money go? Insurance companies are the Don King of the health care industry and they are only there to serve themselves and make profit. The problem with this is the patient gets hung out to dry when it comes to the doctors and the insurance companies arguing over how much things cost and who needs what procedure and who doesn’t.

Having said all of that I still think the current system with all its flaws and woes is far better than anything that the federal government could possibly scheme up. The U.S. government has one of the worst records for money management in the world as far as I am concerned. Why would anyone want a system that gives the feds even more of our tax dollars so they can turn around and tell us what procedures we can have and where and when we can have them? It makes no sense to me because it won’t save any money and it will end up costing those who already pay the hospital bills even more than it does now to make up for those that can’t or won’t work.

Where is the money for this magical plan supposed to come from exactly? I know one of the ideas floating around is to tax company provided health care benefits as income. Well, that’s great for those people who get no company provided health care benefits to just be able to glom onto the great tit of society but what about those that do have coverage? We’re supposed to pay higher taxes to make up the difference? This sounds a little too much like Robin Hood shit to me. I have a problem with this and I hope a lot of others do as well. And what would prevent a company from just dropping its health care coverage plan if the company knew the government would pick up the tab? I know the answer to that one and it has to do with the feds telling private industry that they can’t stop providing health care coverage just so employees won’t have to pay higher income taxes.

I look at the plan to provide health care for everyone like having an old car. Let’s say you have an old car that doesn’t run all that well and it costs you $100 a month to keep on the road. This would represent the current system. Now this car is kind of worn down and some months cost more than others but it’s okay because you know you can afford about $125 a month for the cost of running this old car. Along comes Barry-o-Bama, of Barry’s New Administration Car Sales, and he wants to put a shiny set of brand-ee new wheels under your ass. This would represent universal health care of course. Barry’s car is sure sweet and it will run better than your old car for awhile at least. There’s a few catches to the plan though and they’re buried in the small print of the contract. You know the print that’s so small you need a damn jeweler’s loupe to read. This small print says that while you will have a new car you’re not going to be the only one who gets to drive it. That’s right; your neighbors who are unemployed and can’t afford their own set of wheels will get to take it around the block now and then. I hear they have a teenage son who likes to squeal the tires and fuck his girlfriend in the back seat too. However, while you may not be the only driver of this car you will be the only payer for it and that price is set at about $150 a month, $25 more than you know you can afford. Won’t you feel good though knowing that your neighbors have a ride too? Oh I almost forgot to mention this too. The fine print also informs you that Barry gets to tell you where and when you can buy gas for your car and how much of it you’re allowed to have as well. Sounds like some real happy cruising to me.

Another thing to be considered with universal health care is who it is supposed to help cover. Those people that don’t have any insurance now would be helped greatly by this plan or at least that is what the administration (dealership) tells us. What do people do that don’t have any health insurance now? They don’t run to the doctor every time they get a sniffle I bet. When something serious happens they go to the emergency room and they get taken care of because almost every hospital in the country will provide emergency care to anyone regardless of their ability to show proof of insurance. When they get a large bill from the care that was rendered to them they negotiate it down with the hospital and then they pay a little every month. Huh, kind of sounds like making payments on premiums doesn’t it? The difference is that those people are paying for services provided and not for something that could happen but hasn’t yet. It sounds like bullshit telling it but I know that it works that way because I have been there and done that when I had something that didn’t meet my deductible; minus the negotiating part of course.

Do I think we need some kind of health care reform in this country? Yes of course. Do I think giving health insurance to everyone regardless of their ability to pay anything into the system is the way to go? No, of course not. A key thing to lowering the cost of health in this country that could happen right now would be to start rounding up all those people that are not here legally and have no intention of becoming citizens and get them the fuck out and back wherever they came from. Illegal immigrants go to emergency rooms and they get totally free health care that way because they don’t pay the bills at all. The worst thing that could possibly happen to an illegal immigrant in their eyes would be to give them green cards and taxable jobs because they would lose their free ride.

Okay, I am done ranting on this for now and I apologize if it turned anyone off but those of us that have been responsible in our lives and paid our own way get tired of hearing how the new President wants us to pay even more to help everyone else. Actually, fuck that, I don't apologize. If you think those people that work hard to keep food on the table and pay their bills on time should have to pay even more to support everyone else, you're an asshole too and I won't waste an apology on you. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. Ha ha! I'm sorry, I'm not sorry, I'm sorry...God it's like being married.

That's Queer!

In the last couple weeks America learned that the latest winner of American Idol (or as I like to call it, American Idle) is gay. Now I should point out that I don’t have cable or a dish so I don’t get to see American Idle, but I haven’t been living in a cave so of course I know what the show is and I am often familiar with the winners by the time the show has run its course. This time was different and I hadn’t heard much about the contestants or who won until the show was over and the winner and runner up started doing the talk show rounds.

I think Adam Lambert was on the Regis and Kelly show when I first saw him, and I don’t know what anyone else thinks, but was there ever any doubt this guy was gay?

I mean he was on with Regis and he had on the most beautiful shade of eyeliner I have ever seen. If he’d been any more of a flamer his highly gelled hair would have caught fire right then and there. Plus I think he also met one of the criteria that sets off my gaydar. What is that you ask? Well, I have a theory that any man who crosses his legs like a woman above the knee is gay. I am not talking about men crossing their legs with one ankle draped over the other knee and the foot kind of hanging loosely over the side. Remember the movie ‘Basic Instinct’ with Sharon Stone and the way she crossed her legs while she was being interviewed by the police? I am talking about when she actually had her legs crossed and wasn’t flashing her blonde beaver fur to the world obviously. * Think about the way she crossed her legs with one laying over the other nice and neat and this is what I am talking about. When I see a man crossing his legs like this I am immediately thinking one of three things: He is gay, he is highly educated beyond all usefulness, or he is married and totally emasculated by a dominating woman. These seem to be the only people who can pull this off. I know that I can’t because while they may not be the biggest, these blue-collar, pure heterosexual balls of mine just can’t take the pain of being squeezed like that. I can say this with honesty because I once tried it to see if I were gay or not. Now, if I chose to be gay would I then be able to magically cross my legs like this? That’s a bit of sarcasm directed to those people that still think that gay people choose to be gay. Who the fuck would choose to be gay?!? ‘Hmmm, I think I’ll start sucking cock and having my butt hole pounded inside out because this whole straight thing is just getting boring’. Besides that, who would want the persecution and humiliation that can accompany being gay depending on whether you are out of the closet and where you live.

I always ask people, who think that being gay is a lifestyle choice, when did they choose to be straight? They never seem to understand how I could come up with a question like that because to them it’s apples and oranges. I say, “Seriously, when did you choose to be straight? At one point in your life did you have to make the choice?” They always say the same thing and that is that they never had to choose, they just knew they were straight. Try and convince one of them that maybe, just maybe, it’s the same way for gay people and it totally blows their mind. For some of them, it’s because they can’t get beyond the Bible and what the Bible says about homosexuals and all that bullshit. It is impossible to think that even though God made everything he couldn’t possibly have made people that were gay by design because he is perfect and it is impossible for someone to be perfect and make mistakes. See, the Bible is what makes God infallible because the Bible is supposed to be the exact word of God and if the Bible says that God hates homosexuals then it isn’t possible that he could have made them. It’s just so much easier to believe that a crimson fellow with horns and hooves and a pointy tail could influence people to be gay than to say that maybe God made them that way from the outset. Wow, what an incredibly narrow minded way to think. The funny thing is that the truly religious nutjobs will read something like this and pray for me and my narrow minded way of thinking. It's like a religious cock measuring contest. 'My fake god is bigger than your fake god.'

Once in a while I will get someone to admit that while it may be possible for someone to be born gay, they don’t have to act on their feelings. In other words, they can choose to act straight or just not let anyone know they are gay. This is just as absurd to be me as thinking it is a choice. It’s easy to tell someone to just ignore their impulses when you are on the side of society that feels the same way as you, but when you’re on the other side things suddenly look a lot different.

Anyway, Adam Lambert is gay and who really gives a shit right? Why does that even make the news? Is it not enough that he won Idle? Does the fact that he’s gay make him a better singer? No, but when you live in an age where more people tune into Idle than do Presidential debates it’s not much of a surprise either.

*On a side note Sharon Stone claims that despite removing her underwear for the scene a at the director’s request because he claimed it was causing a glare for the camera, she didn’t realize that the hair above her meat curtains was exposed. I’m pretty sure that regardless of what the director told me, if I had a camera pointed at my non panty wearing twat I would want to see the footage at the end of the day to make sure people weren’t seeing anything I didn’t want them to. That means that either Ms. Stone didn’t really give a fuck because she was being a publicity whore or that she was too numb to realize her wizard sleeve might get flashed across the big screen for the whole world to see. She seems like a bitch on wheels to me so I am betting on the former and not the latter.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sometimes in life you find those little things that just bring a smile to your face. This was something I stumbled on just today while reading TIME magazine.

It seems that Wal-Greens stores were carrying this little gem but have now decided to pull it from their shelves due to some complaints being made. What kind of complaints would that be I wonder? After all, the hair looks kind of curly and the skin is dark right? So what is there to bitch about?

I think that people are worried that it lowers the view we should have of the president but that worry is based on nothing and the likeness of many presidents have been used for many different objects since the beginning of this country.

More likely than not, people are worried that the buyers of the Obama Chia won't keep his fro trimmed down and then he will have 70's afro and that is just plain unbecoming of our 44th leader. At least if he did it would make him seem more genuine as a commuinty organizer than as the modern day Robin Hood.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Banging Cock in Bankok

I officially have to take my hat off for Mr. David Carradine. Not as much as respect for the dead but more as respect for the circumstances leading to his death. Of course, it hasn’t been proven yet, but rumors abound that Carradine died while practicing autoerotic asphyxiation.

For anyone who has spent their lives away from TV and radio and the Internet, autoerotic asphyxiation involves cutting off one’s air supply while masturbating. (That reminds me of a song: ‘I’m all out of air, I can’t breathe without you, I knew you were right, telling me not to choke myself while stroking it.’) The effect of depleted oxygen in the blood stream at the time of orgasm is supposed to be like Nirvana. I would most likely admit it if I had ever tried this but I haven’t. The reason I haven’t is twofold. First, I’d like to think that the orgasm is already perfected and doesn’t need to be heightened in any way. Second, I’ve read just enough stories about people dying while doing this and being found with their pants around their ankles and a stash of porn and/or lube at their feet to scare me off from the idea. I will say that if I were to try this I would make damn sure that whatever I used to choke myself would be self releasing in the event that I passed out. That just seems like autoerotic asphyxiation 101 to me but who am I to talk having never done it right? The other option would be to have a partner there to help you, but then why in the hell would you be masturbating in the first place? I don’t care how good an orgasm is alone it can’t compare to being with someone else.

The worst thing about dying from autoerotic asphyxiation is that it’s going to get leaked out and once it does everyone is going to know about it and even though you’ll be dead and gone the family you left behind will forever be talked about. People will say things like, “Oh yeah, that’s Margie. Her son died last year. He was masturbating and choking himself and passed out and died. Such a shame. And I always thought Margie had raised her kids better than that.”

Anyway, I mentioned that I needed to show some respect for David Carradine because of the way he died and I should explain that. I am in awe not because of the way he died exactly but more because he was masturbating at age 72. Seventy-fucking-two! Wow, that’s some serious kind of sex drive. I don’t know too many men that are still twisting the wrench at age 72 let alone choking themselves at the same time. What in hell am I talking about? I don’t know any men at any age that are. I know they all are but I don’t know any of them. It’s not like men sit around and talk about masturbation other than to admit that it happens. It’s fine to talk about it in a half joking, half might be telling the truth way, but that’s about it.

Here is my theory of what happened to Carradine. I think that he decided that he wanted to rub one out for whatever reason so he popped a couple Viagras and got everything ready for when the little blue pills started to do their thing. Once he was sufficiently aroused he got up on a little stool or whatever and put the noose around his neck that would choke his air off once he put the weight of his body against it. “Let the games begin Grasshopper”, he declared and was off. He does his thing and as his orgasm builds he slumps against the noose and starts choking himself. So far so good right? This is where it gets interesting and starts to make a little more sense. I think that David was close to passing out when he fired his gun but not close enough that he couldn’t recover without killing himself. No, what I think happened is that about two seconds after the grand finale he attempted to stand back up and his fucking hip broke, causing him to fall completely and give himself a barnyard strangulation.

That’s how the chambermaid reportedly found him, hanging there with a knot around his neck and balls having gone out in a blaze of glory. If it’s true, all I can say is what an ass. He had enough money that he could have had a whole team of whores in that room and yet he still wanted to choke himself while flogging the meat stick. What an ass.

Now, Mr. Carradine’s family has declared that they want the authorities to investigate his death. This means that they can’t come to grips (the way David did, heh) with how he died. If someone in my family died while jerking off I wouldn’t tell a soul. I would pray that he had a great time while it lasted and went out with a smile on his face but I wouldn’t tell anyone. I would hope that if I were discovered like that, no one would tell on me either.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Man-titty sunburn

Recently, I learned something new about my body. I should admit that it really isn't something new about this body that I occupy but I say it is new because I just realized it. I learned that my man-titties have now grown large enough to protect the area just below them from getting sunburned on those days that I go shirtless. I know this now because I just got a hell of a sunburn last week and my entire chest was fried save for that one region I already mentioned. I had two white patches just under each nipple where the boob pushed out far enough to provide a little shelter from the blazing sun.

Now I am peeling like a soft orange and scratching quite a bit. I think if I were a woman and i was going to lay in the sun nude I would want to be damn careful about the rate at which I tried to tan my body. Itching on the arm or shoulder isn't that bad, but I can now tell you that an itchy nipple or two pretty much sucks ass. As a woman I wouldn't want to wind up with an itchy pussy because you know I'd get caught fidgeting around with it or something and everyone would think I had a damned yeast infection or something. At that point I might wish I did have one because it probably wouldn't itch as much. I apologise to all those ladies out there who have had yeast infections and were about to tell me off because I don't know what I am talking about but thought better of the idea because they didn't want to reveal their medical histories to me.

Now, I am fully aware that I am one of the last people who should be going around shirtless, but the reason for it is twofold. First of all, when the temperature hits the mid-seventies and up and the sun is glaring down on me all day, I am probably going to peel the shirt off unless there is a serious breeze to keep me cool. The second reason I go without a shirt is more of a public service than anything else I guess. I go to the beach every summer with the family and every summer I see a lot of men walking around on the sand who look like they haven't been exposed to the sun in years. I decided quite some time ago that a tanned round body is a hell of a lot easier on the eyes than one that is alabaster white. I used to worry about what other people thought about how I looked and now I am just happy to show them a darker shade of me.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

What will the 2010 Obama look like?

Well, it looks like General Motors is going to have to follow Chrysler’s lead and declare bankruptcy. Along with this new status there will be a new company name. ‘The General’ is about to be demoted as GM becomes Government Motors and the American people get left holding the bag. That bag is full of some seriously stinky shit in case you had any doubts about that. The U.S. government is the worst run and most costly business in the world and now those geniuses think they can start handling car companies? Barack Obama is probably jizzing his pants right about now because it gives him and his administration the grounds to force the automakers to make the cars he thinks they should be making. The president said yesterday that he did not want to be in the car design business, but executives at GM are already admitting that they are talking with Obama’s auto recovery team about where the company is to go from here. I think car companies should be allowed to make whatever cars they want to and let the consumers decide if those are the cars they want to buy and drive. The meaning of capitalism and freedom is to be able to choose and not have things dictated to us. It also means that a car company needs to roll the dice on its own and take a chance with the vehicles it makes.

Bankruptcy is the last thing I want to see for any company but with the exception of a few of the biggest companies in this country, no one else gets the bail out option that Washington has been offering. No, everyone else who starts a small company and can’t make things work has to suck it up and go through their ass while they try to get their shit together. I have a small business and I know that if something happens to it or me and I can’t make the payments to the bank that I owe no matter what the reason is or how hard I am trying, I get stuck with my fucking cheese hangin’ in the wind and who gives a shit right?

Chrysler and GM need to be allowed to fail and if that means they cease to exist then so be it. These companies are like dinosaurs in the way that they have been run and the congressional hearings last fall were a perfect example of that. When the chief executives rolled into Washington with their hands out asking for money they all came on company jets. The level of not having a fucking clue about how to save money and cut back is something that has not been understood at these companies for far too long.

A lot of financial experts are quick to point fingers at the United Auto Workers as the source of the problem with the big three but that is nothing more than a lame scapegoat. The unions have done nothing more than unions have always tried to do and the companies have always conceded to their demands in the past because the money coming in was so great that it didn’t matter. What American automakers needed to do decades ago was to sit down with the union and tell them there was going to need to be more concessions in order to remain viable. The fact that they didn’t do this on a serious level until just recently tells me that the profits in Detroit have been pretty obscene up until now. The real problem with American auto makers is that ‘The Big Three’ spent decades focusing on trucks and SUV’s to make the bottom line and that was fine until the price of gas started going through the roof and people stopped buying those vehicles. Not enough people were interested in buying the sedans and coupes that the big three offered because they had made such shitty vehicles for so long that they weren’t able to win back consumer confidence before the collapse began. The high gas prices and the downfall of the housing industry helped to spark the recession and delivered a one-two punch to the American auto industry that had put all of their eggs in the back of one of their pickup trucks. You can’t blame the unions alone for the troubles in Detroit anymore than you can blame guns alone for gun deaths. ‘The Big Three’ auto makers should have reined in the UAW and started to make much better quality vehicles a long time ago but they didn’t because everyone was rolling in the green and no one cared about how thin the roof was over their heads or the floor under their feet.

Besides the issues American auto manufacturers have with the UAW there is also the corporate attitude that goes with some of these companies that only people far enough down the food chain can even begin to see. Ask anyone working two or three jobs what these companies should have done in order to start saving some money and they would be able to give you a whole laundry list of cost cutting measures. Things like private jets and NASCAR sponsorships would be the first things to go away. Everything that didn’t have anything to do with the making and selling of the best, most reliable cars on the planet would be the second things to go. That would include cars like the Corvette, the Hummer line, the new Camaro, and any other car that wasn’t about being profitable. Don’t get me wrong because it’s a hard thing to say that such American institutions as the Corvette and Camaro should be discontinued seems almost communistic to me, but that is how dire the situation is for GM at this point. It still amazes me that the new Camaro was ever brought to light when GM clearly knew it was in trouble. (For that matter, I am equally amazed that Chrysler green lighted the new Challenger too.) I think it’s part of that mentality where you can’t see how bad off you are unless you’ve been there for awhile. Hard working, underpaid people should be brought in when cost cutting measures are necessary because those are the people that have learned to do without and they know what you need versus what you want.
Executive salaries and the benefit packages that go along with them are another major problem at these companies. Actually, senior executive pay is a problem with a lot of companies and has only really been brought to light in the past few years. You simply cannot continue to run a company and its assets into the ground year after year and then reward the person who ran it into the ground with a fat compensation/severance package when he or she leaves. The truth is that a lot of these people leave these companies because they have done such a horrible job that they are in danger of being tarred and feathered if they stay. Of course you have the occasional asshole that offers to run the place with no salary or maybe only taking one dollar a year or some other such bullshit. These pricks need to be ousted more than anyone else because if you have enough money to retire but you’re sticking around for the glory then you are a douche bag to the nth degree. I’d like to think I was making a difference as much as the next person but if you’re sticking it out for free in a for profit company than you’re not trying to make a difference. These people that do that very much want to be the one to turn things around so that everyone else will say “Wow, look at the great job Jim did. If it weren’t for him we would have lost the company.” Fuck that. I guess that’s the biggest difference between the movers and the shakers and the rest of us in this country. The working class people know enough to say that if they had the money to retire they would. The power hungry upper echelon of management doesn’t have the sense to figure this out. So while those people are the ones responsible for making companies great they are also the ones responsible for fucking things all up when it eventually happens, and it always happens eventually.