Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holy Shit Batman! (I wish)

Has anyone ever eaten a 10 pound cheese wheel in one sitting and survived? I feel like I have done that. I can't shit. It's been days since I had what I would call a normal event on the hopper.

I think someone snuck into my room at night an hooked me up to an I.V. of Wisconsin Sharp or maybe a Cheese Wiz slow drip.

Right now I am trying one of the older more homemade remedies for this problem and that is, molasses and hot water. I have no idea if it will work but it actually tastes good enough to be habit forming. I would not think that anything that moves as slow as molasses (which admittedly, moves faster than I do most days) could help to flush the body out but I am willing to try it.

The next step will be to go to the dreaded medical community for help and that scares me right shitless. (Pun definitely intended.) Those ray-tays are apt to tell you they need to give you an enema and end up re-sectioning part of your guts for you. I hate to shit on the hospital in Skowhegan, but they don't call that place Ready To Scare You instead of Redington Fairview without reason. Holy crap I can't believe I just said I hate to shit on that place. I have really got poop on the brain it seems. Damn, I just said poop.....and one sentence. What the shit is going on?

My grandmother. who actually likes the place, had to have a couple rings cut off her fingers there and they didn't have a doctor or tool qualified to do the job. Hey, ever notice how the words doctor and tool are sometimes interchangeable? Anyway, they had to call in the maintenance man with his Dremel tool to cut the ring off. She got burned and blood poisoning and holy shit don't take me to Skowhegan.

I am off to the bathroom to see what develops although I am not expecting mush. I mean much.

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