The first thing I would say to those that read this would be to watch this episode of SNL. At least see the opening monologue and the SNL digital short which was completely hilarious.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/episodes/#vid=1178477
Okay, about a week ago or so I was in Skowhegan and I needed to go to Wal Mart even though I claim to hate the place. I know that if I really tried I could do most of my shopping without having to go into that beacon of American monopolies, but it would be damned hard I think. After I got what I needed (or left wishing they had had what I wanted only to find that, once again, they didn't) I left the parking lot and headed toward Madison Avenue to make my way home.
I found myself behind a Jeep Cherokee looking at a pair of window stickers in the rear window. The first sticker, on the right side of the window, said 'Silly boys, Jeeps are for girls.' I let off the gas pedal and started to back off anticipating the girl driving the Jeep was talking on her precious cell phone and might forget that she was driving at a moments notice. I saw something that made me speed up a little instead and that was the sticker on the other side of the window. It said, 'When I have sex it's so good even the neighbors need a cigarette.' I chuckled and then a thought occurred to me. I decided I needed to see the owner of this brazen sticker.
I followed the Jeep halfway across town trying not to look like I was following her, which is exactly what I was doing. I would hate to be labeled a stalker but I was curious to see just what this person looked like considering the boldness of her sticker in her Jeep made for girls.
She pulled into the parking lot where Tractor Supply is located and drove up and around toward the Chinese restaurant before finally parking in front of one of the town's two 'dollar' stores. I admit that should have been a warning sign right there but I guess I didn't make the connection. I have a theory about people and 'dollar' stores. My theory is that there ain't no hotties shopping at the dollar stores except maybe the kind that are too young to be looking at in the first place. As far as those types go, I may be a lot of things but a pedophile, I am not.
Anyway, the woman (notice how I went from calling her a girl to a woman? It bears mentioning, considering.) got out of her handcrafted Jeep for Ladies and I was not surprised at what I saw. She looked to be about 50 and was closing in on BMW status quickly. For those of you that don't know, a BMW is a Big Maine Woman, and like I said, this woman was approaching that phase of her life rather quickly. She had a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and was pretty scary looking to say the least. I say I wasn't surprised and I wasn't but I was a little disappointed. I figure that if you have a sticker like she had on your vehicle, you better be one hot looking chickie.
The weird thing is that I started to see some realism in that sticker as I thought about it. I figure that a woman that looks like she did probably goes so long in between the times that she actually has sex that it just might be that damned good when she finally gets some sucker in her bed. The neighbors probably need more than just cigarettes when she has sex. They probably need ear plugs and some Vicks to put under their noses to block out the smell of hot sex and ass. Things that make you go ewww right?
I am going to get a sticker that says, 'When I have sex it last 32.5 seconds, and then I take a nap. Sometimes my wife is there for it, sometimes, it's just me and old Rosy Palmer. I am too tired afterward to need a cigarette and I have no idea what the neighbors think of all the screaming or the sudden stopping of it.' Wow, that's going to be a big window sticker. Maybe I need to shorten it a bit. How about, 'When I have sex...Ha ha ha, who am I kidding?' Yeah, I like that better.
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