Butt Seriously

Sometimes you see something that makes you laugh no matter what feeling it should invoke in you. My daughter recently brought home a Ripley’s Believe it or Not book and we have all enjoyed looking at the oddities inside its brightly colored covers.

Of all the weird stuff on those glossy pages there was one thing that stood out in particular to me and I have been chuckling over it ever since.

A young man from Poland had cancer of the tongue and while that is no laughing matter the treatment his doctors decided on was more than humorous. After cutting his old diseased tongue out they needed to fashion a new one for him if for nothing else than so he could try to manage some form of speech for the rest of his life. Now, if it had been me I would have wanted something too as long as it meant that I would be able to talk butt ( I spelled it 'butt' on purpose), on the other hand, if it had been my ears that were cancerous I would have told the doctors to just get rid of the old ones because I have heard enough shit in my life and it would nice to not have to listen to people anymore.

The fact that the medical professionals were even able to consider giving this man a new tongue of some sort is nothing short of a miracle to me and needs to be stated as such. Having said that, I also think that the area they decided to carve out to make his new tongue could have been thought through a little more.

Apparently the best place to get flesh and nerves from for a new tongue is the buttocks or ass cheeks in the vernacular. It’s not that this guy now has a tongue formed from one of his butt halves it’s the way it looks sitting in his mouth in the accompanying picture that went along with the story. The new tongue looks normal enough if a little fat for the guy’s mouth but that’s not what makes it so um interesting to look at.

No, what makes it funny (read: gross) is that the man’s new tongue is sitting there in his mouth in all its glory covered in the same hair that was apparently growing on his ass. You can’t make stuff like this up and to see that piece of flesh in that poor bastard’s mouth with hair sprouting out of it was just too much for me. I laughed even as a shiver of disgust went through me.

Why the fuck didn’t they at least shave it before they took the picture? Obviously it had been in his mouth long enough to heal and for the hair to grow back out on it after the surgery so you’d think they could have given the guy a razor or some electrolysis before snapping the photo. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that thing looks like he started gnawing on an animal or bit into someone’s…well, bit into someone’s ass to be frank.

Not to be prejudice here but being a Polish man how is it going to be for him the rest of his life? People will constantly be telling him to stop talking out of his ass or to quit it with the shit already. God the guy is going to be the butt of every joke. Heh, pun definitely intended there.

The worst thing for me would be the hair on it I think. The plus side is that oral sex wouldn’t be a problem as you wouldn’t even notice the pubic hairs getting stuck between your teeth anymore once you got used to your own ass hairs getting lodged in there. And, you can bet that the sharing of lollipops and Popsicles would be all over for that guy as no one is going to ask him for a lick of anything ever again.

The bad side is that I imagine there would be many times when the guy would be talking and he would have to stop and do the little spitting routine that one does when he or she gets a hair on their tongue. I don’t want to even think about getting butt zits on my tongue either.

Truly, this story is almost like that game people play with each other where they ask the question: Which would you rather do or have done? Would you rather have no tongue forever and not be able to talk or would you rather have your own hairy ass cheek carved into and a tongue formed from that? Whether the ass-tongue would include a lifetime supply of shaving cream or Nair would be up to the person asking the question. I can’t say what I would rather have but I am glad to have seen the picture in that book so I could at least make an informed decision before some scalpel happy surgeon looking to make a name for himself decided to cut into my tongue or my ass.